Monday, December 29, 2003

 
anniversary
whata ya know! i've been here for a year.
Shannon posted this at (0) comments 10:30 PM.

 
bah humbug
the holiday's are pretty much over and i'm glad for that. i still have new year's to get through but i'll be with friends so that promises to be fun. for some reason i just can't/didn't get into the holiday spirit. i haven't felt really festive for the past couple of years. family traditions are changing and friends are moving on. things aren't the same as they used to be but as i get older, i suppose that is to be expected. traditions are changing because people in my family have been married and new mini-families have sprouted. but i'm just me. single. a state that seems to be threatening permanency. and so i'm not entitled to a voice. i'm just supposed to go with the flow. things change around a me and i'm just supposed to change with them.

i've only been in one serious relationship, if you could even call it that, in my entire life. it lasted 3 months, with the last month consisting of me wanting to spend more time together and the other person coming up with whatever excuses they could not to. so this whole idea of being single shouldn't be new to me, right? it shouldn't make me feel lonely or needy. i shouldn't feel like the whole world is making major commitments and i'm struggling over what kind of hairspray to buy. i'm a strong, independent woman. i don't want someone to define my life, just compliment it. i just don't understand why it has to be so hard. why does it seem so easy for other people?

maybe there are those out there that are just destined for singledom? (singlehood?) (to always be single?) maybe their life is supposed to be filled with some greater purpose...some monumental task they are supposed to accomplish. maybe i'm one of those people. greater task..greater purpose..greater task...greater purpose... my new mantra. when does the fulfilled feeling kick in?
Shannon posted this at (0) comments 10:24 PM.

Thursday, December 11, 2003

 
"what are you going to do with a women's studies degree?"
i get asked that question a lot. i feel that a women's studies degree provides valuable knowledge and experience to do the work that is necessary to improve the lives of women. the next question is usually, "why is that work necessary?" the best answer i can come with for that was seen on a poster on the wall of the women's resource center office i intern at:

because women's work is never done and is underpaid or unpaid or boring or repetitious and we're the first to get fired and what we look like is more important than what we do and if we get raped its our own fault and if we get beaten we must have provoked it and if we raise our voices we're naggin bitches and if we enjoy sex we're nymphos and if we don't we're frigid and if we love women it's because we can't get a "real" man and if we ask our doctor too many questions we're neurotic and/or pushy and if we expect childcare we're selfish and if we stand up for our rights we're aggressive and "unfeminine" and if we don't we're typical weak females and if we want to get married we're out to trap a man and if we don't we're unnatural and because we still can't get adequate safe contraceptives but men can walk on the moon and if we can't cope or don't want a pregnancy we're made to feel guilty about abortion and...for lots and lots of other reasons [I] am part of the women's liberation movement"

and that is why i am a women's studies major and that is why the work for women is necessary.

any more questions??

Shannon posted this at (0) comments 12:06 AM.

Monday, December 01, 2003

 
it's almost over
next week is the last full week of my semester. next week is the last full week of my COLLEGE CAREER! i will be done. i will be graduating. i can't believe that it's finally here. 8 long years...i could have an advanced degree by now! it doesn't matter though. if i'd rushed through and finished in 4 years i wouldn't be the person that i am today. i might have ended up doing what i'm doing now and having the same intersts but i'm pretty sure things happened the way they were supposed to and new ways of thinking presented themselves to me when they were supposed to. when i was ready to understand. i love what i am studying in school and i am doing well. this is a HUGE improvement from that semester before i took my leave of absense. i made deans list last semester and that letter i got from the college of arts and letters is one i'd never expected to see. i stopped short of framing it...to me if was prove that i was on the right track and once i found something i loved, everything would fall into place. every now and then though, those feelings of confidence and certainty are replaced with being scared out of my mind about the future. i'm faced with graduation and not having a job and realizing that i've not started looking. i've gotten so caught up in the day to day that i haven't seen the big picture. i'm scared that i'll let myself rely on my safety net of my current job although i really dislike the way the company is run and the way it treats its employees. need to talk myself out of doing what's easy and work on doing what's right for me.

Shannon posted this at (0) comments 8:11 PM.

Sunday, November 09, 2003

 
i'm back
for tonight anyway. who knows how long it will be before i feel like being here again. it's been 2 months. school started and non-academic life slowed. free time is spent hanging out with something or someone other than my backpack, books, and professors. in places other than the library or locked in my room studying. right now i have more work to do than i care to think about but i just can't bring myself to let the weekend end and get to work on the papers and projects.
in the past two months i've dealt with family issues and illnesses, been to england, seen the county that i live in changed by fire. it seems unreal. like i'm in fast forward and slow motion all at the same time. this odd feeling has come over me, although it isn't an all together unfamiliar one. it's the same strange mix of contentment and unsatisfaction. a contradiction that causes frustration. and impatience.
Shannon posted this at (0) comments 9:59 PM.

Saturday, September 06, 2003

 
8/31/03
last day of august. close to the end. end of the year. end of school. end of life here. looking forward to all of those scenarios. want to be done. want to move on. want to grow. to learn. to experience. to love. to live. feel stifled. feel pressured. feel loveless/lifeless. desire new people. new scenery. desire more. it's got to be better than where i am right now. there has to be some big gift, some big reward. am i looking in the wrong place? looking too close? too far away? left when it should be right? don't feel i'm reaching my full potential. see obstacles. see road blocks and diversions. see people trying to change my point of view and throw me off course with dated expectations and misleading information. dislike their close minded views and ignorant thoughts. sadness. lonliness. stranded. frustration. disappointment. determination. doing things on my own--finding my own way/path/happiness~peace of mind. no fate. no destiny. only choices.
Shannon posted this at (0) comments 2:29 PM.

Wednesday, August 27, 2003

 
the -ber months
i'm excited that it's almost september. september marks the start of the -ber months...the collection of months at the end of the year that make up the fall season. september. october. november. december. my favorite season of the year. i like it when the air gets crisp and leaves you with red cheeks when you enter a warm house. i like wearing sweaters and jeans and boots. i like reading in my warm bed in fuzzy pajamas while it rains outside. i like how the bright colors of umbrellas stand out against the grey sky when it's stormy. but mostly i like the feeling that those months leave me with. it's a happy time. people seem to be in a better mood. only the good things from the ending year seem to be reflected on and there is optimism for the year to come.
Shannon posted this at (0) comments 9:14 AM.

Wednesday, August 20, 2003

 
quote of the day
"you can live in a trailer, but you will not live like trailer trash!"
-mom

Shannon posted this at (0) comments 10:38 AM.